Someone who can match my mind with his own, who looks at the world deeply. I did not know I could meet someone whose self aligns so closely to my self. Someone who likes foraging, cooking, and preserving. I did not know that I could meet someone with the same interests as me. There are some things you can’t know until you know. But the thing is, you can’t know what you don’t know.” I feel sad I made certain choices, let things happen to me.I feel sad for the past me and all the things I went through. I look back on things I experienced, and now that I’m through it, I feel sad for who I used to be. Now I know, now that I can see it, I’m so sad.” “You’re learning what a healthy relationship is,” she says. My friend looks at me and her eyes are watery too. I understand what can happen to the mind, but what I don’t understand, what I asked my aunt and uncle countless times was: ‘But what does a healthy mind look like? What’s a healthy mind like before trauma? What’s a healthy relationship?’ It’s so foreign to me, what healthy looks like. For very different reasons, they were both women who were shaped by trauma and in turn it made them create trauma in others. We’ve talked about my mom and stepmom, the things they went through, how their minds changed over the years. “My aunt and uncle and I have had amazing conversations about mental health. It’s hard to put into words, but I keep trying with my friend. I’m emotional writing this and I was emotional telling it. And it makes me so sad that all these years, I didn’t understand. I’ve always had to work so hard to get someone to love me, that I didn’t know it could be easy.
I didn’t know what being treated well meant, because I’ve never really experienced it. I expected so little, but what else did I know? I didn’t know that things could be good. It’s like I’m looking back at all the tiny things I thought meant love, and seeing those things for what they really were. Only when the stress is over, can you feel it and recognize it. You didn’t even know you were stressed, because you got used to it.
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I try to explain it to my friend: “It’s like when you go through a really stressful situation, maybe it’s a situation that lasts for years, like the end of a marriage, and until they’ve moved out or you’ve moved on and you can finally take that full deep breath, only then, do you realize the enormous stress you’ve been under. And what makes me sad, the melancholy I feel, isn’t for where I’m at now. But in these few months, I’ve learned so much, and it makes me sad to look back at the previous 48 years of my life and realize that I did not know what being loved well meant. I’ve been dating a man for almost four months and everything is new and tender. I think this peculiar melancholia I’m experiencing is because I’m healing, from past hurts, from disappointments, from not really understanding, until now, what it means to be loved. It’s strange, but it makes a kind of sense to me too. I’m not immersed in it, but I’m aware of it.
It isn’t a sadness I feel, really, it’s more of a general melancholia, a sort of soft wave of sorrow that pulses at my feet. I’m sitting with my friend Sara on her back deck drinking coffee.
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